How I Knew He Would Be My Husband: A Christian Love Story
I contributed a chapter to Matthew’s book God-Given Gusto: What Comes Out of a Man When He Doesn’t Pop the Porn Pill? It is titled Chapter 15 Update: I Think I Met a Girl … Not Maybe … It’s a Yes.
We sit down on the couch for another daily devotion. Matt opens the Bible to Psalms and picks a chapter for us to read.
After pouring on me his insights, a womanly yearning within me desires for some deep conversation, so I ask him a question that requires soul transparency.
Yet, my most sincere intention cannot even escape the treachery of my fallen nature.
“What sins in our lives do we tolerate?” I ask with almost calm, gentle voice, but within me is a struggle enough to shake me.
I am aware that I frame the question as a seemingly innocent snare, crafted to measure him in some sense—I am trying to see if Matt has manly pretension of a godly piety.
There is no immediate response. Matt’s head is slightly bowed down; he seems to be looking past the open pages of his black leather NIV Bible.
He is in deep thought. It isn’t unusual for him to pause before he speaks as I have always observed when we’re still meeting virtually.
“I’m sorry, Lara. I’m sorry for using pornography and for looking at women lustfully before.”
Matt’s brokenness creases his face and shudders his voice as he apologizes to me.
It doesn’t surprise me. The apology isn’t a first-time confession or revelation.
His pornography addiction in the past isn’t a hidden fact from me.
On the fifth day we exchanged messages on ChristianCrush.com1, I told him how scarce his pictures were on Facebook that a background check seemed fruitless.
In response, he sent me links: one to ResearchGate and the other to a Facebook page.
I downloaded the mathematics paper he co-wrote with Victor Moll. Okay! At least, this could be a good proof that he’s a real person.
Though I couldn’t understand a single thing from the paper, I have to say I was impressed. He must not be just an average guy.
Then, I went to see the other link he gave. The instant I saw the Facebook page, it made perfect sense to me why Matt made a little note in his message that he would understand if it would make me feel differently about him.
That initial nice feeling with the math paper did not change. On the contrary, I was all the more impressed for his noble, humble advocacy.
On his page was the explanation that it was created as a platform for the book he wanted to publish—Do Not Pop the Porn Pill: Use Your God-Given Gusto2.
He wanted the book to play a small part in helping those who are in pornography bondage to have relationship with Jesus Christ, to live in reality, and to be able to use their God-given gusto.
Of course, I assumed he himself became entangled in it before. But I did not ask him when I sent him a message after browsing the page.
Lara: You mean I felt differently about you because there was a “porn” word there?
Matthew: It’s not just the word. It’s the kind of thing guys joke about when they’re only with each other (not to mention make excuses for using), and yet try to hide from the girls they like. So of course, I’m not proud of having used it, but I felt like I had to write the book.
His reply only confirmed my hunch about his past porn use, but it wasn’t a turnoff. I would rather have a guy who admits than hides things.
Then, I asked him about the book because one of the things that got me really intrigued about him were the life goals in his dating profile: write and publish a book.
I had been always dreaming of those things too.
Lara: Was that book already published? I would like to see some of its contents. Have you gone to publishers?
Matthew: No, the book isn’t published (yet). I wish I could let you read the contents of the book…from the actual book. I have sent it to publishers but either without response or a rejection. But, yes, I can send you some of the manuscript. What is your email address? I’ll send some of it today or over the weekend.
On the next day, when I checked the inbox, I realized, to my surprise, he sent me all chapters!
I skimmed the chapters and read closely those that truly intrigued me. After reading some, I sent him another message.
Lara: Well, it seemed like you sent me the entire manuscript? I mean nothing’s wrong with that. But I am still a stranger to you (and so you are to me). I might find a publisher here in our country and have it published under my pseudonym. LOL!I haven’t read the entire document, but here are my observations upon reading some chapters: 1. You noticed the gap like in research. Those who speak about sexual purity may not be relatable to those who struggle with porn. 2. I never imagined you had those experiences. You came out stronger. 3. I like the option you offered…go live in reality…put all those energies into creative channels.
Matthew: I didn’t realize that could happen! Wow! Like you read it. You really read it. And you read fast. And you understand it. I…I really appreciate it. Seriously. Yeah, I had forgotten there would be very intimate details of my life for you to read. Thanks for sharing yours.
And in front of me, right now, is the aspiring author whom I admire for handling the Word of God properly in putting his arguments forward without sounding preachy and condemning because he himself showed vulnerability and honesty in his own personal anecdotes.
And also, in front of me, is my future husband whom I tried to measure because of some random, irrational fear that I might be making the wrong decision in choosing him.
But God’s designs are incomprehensible and redeeming. With that one ill-intentioned question, I heard the most genuine answer.
“I’m sorry, Lara. I’m sorry for using pornography and for looking at women lustfully before.”
As he says that, only one thought occupies me: this is the man I am certain to marry.
And as his every word sinks deep in me, all the more I want to marry this man who is so presently broken for the sins he tolerated in the past, when I wasn’t yet in his life.
It is as if when he did those things, he was personally committing them against me. He could have bragged in front of me how he was so triumphant on quitting those vices. Or he could have uttered great promises that he would never fall back on those sinful habits again.
But what Matthew did is to humbly and contritely ask for forgiveness. His apology only trumpets the victory he never boasted and the reliability of the promises he never declared.
“Matt, I forgive you,” I respond while holding his hands, gazing at his teary eyes in the most reassuring way I know.
Yet, Matt’s honesty surprises me.
My question surprisingly bothers me: “What sins in our lives do we tolerate?”
I have never attempted watching internet pornography, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t entertained borderline pornographic images in my mind.
With lots of sensual and sexual language and images afloat everywhere, it doesn’t leave me unattacked.
Although I restrained these thoughts, I still failed because I sometimes tolerated them, allowed them to stay a bit longer.
Matt’s manuscript convicted me and named my imagination—sexual fantasy.
I may not be categorically as corrupted as pornography addicts, but don’t I fall into same sin and judgment? Didn’t I fail to use my God-given gusto properly and honorably?
Can I be like my future husband? Can I have the same courage and contrition?
I am stirred inside to ask for forgiveness the very moment I am fully convinced this is the man I must marry.
Yet, I resist. I am ashamed. I am scared I wouldn’t look as Christian to him as before.
Strong emotions overwhelm me. The emotions and words are strung together, and this births to my third love poem for Matt.
It is cathartic for me to see my emotions articulated. I am excited to show Matt the poem I wrote for him, but I am still not sure if I am eager to tell him my sin and ask forgiveness.
The next day, we sit together for our usual devotion. After studying the Bible and praying together, I turn my phone on and show the poem to Matt.
Two Weeks Friday— 11:38 PM— Just about a day and a half Before you leave That I felt this Bittersweet pain. Two weeks is not enough. Come back to me my dear As you have promised And remember the ring that Sealed your commitment to me for I am willing to spend two weeks And two scores and two centuries To be by your side and be called Matthew's wife.
Matt looks at me and tells me how he likes the last line—Matthew’s wife. And that’s all I want to be for him.
He wraps me in his strong, gentle arms. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I sense I do indeed have the courage to confess.
“Matt, I’m sorry for thinking sexual thoughts about other men before.”
“I forgive you, Lara. Sometimes, we think these thoughts do not offend, but when they are exposed to our spouse, they can sincerely hurt,” he says it so calmly that I do not feel judged that I am less of a Christian.
He loves me and forgives me and sees me as his future wife.
We kiss.
And I remember Matt’s message to me a month before he visited me:
We serve an amazing God. Our lusts, our sins could have so easily never even got us started.
And my heart celebrates that the God of heaven and earth has allowed us to pursue godly marriage though we are 8,554 miles apart, and that the God of salvation has redeemed our love story and has kept it untainted by our broken past.
This Christian love story is only possible with God.
[1] ChristianCrush.com has been integrated to DatingXP.com. It is now a resource hub for online dating advice. Simply speaking, it is not exactly the ChristianCrush.com where Matthew and I met.
[2] This was the working title for the book before publication.